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Sinéad O’Connor, “Nothing Compares 2 U” | I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got, 1990

Maybe when Sinéad O’Connor’s biggest hit, “Nothing Compares 2 U,” came out, you were going through a rough time. And a great time. 21. Fully alive, body humming with youth and potential and unchecked feelings. Maybe you were in your first bad-good relationship – incredibly toxic and delirious. It brought out all of your worst and best qualities. You felt more for this person than you have felt about anyone in your entire life. But also, your families just wanted you both to please end it.

Then there was that one breakup. A three-day weekend spent in bed, alone, unable to keep food down. And maybe it became clear for the first time in your life that what you thought was love was elixir’ed with codependency and obsession and fear and trauma and emotional dysregulation and other terms you would only learn later. But back to the point: In that exact moment, the song that was coming out of every speaker – the song that seemed to plunge into your own heart and guts and pull them out and show them to you – was “Nothing Compares 2 U.”

Maybe your friends, maybe they didn’t get it because they were just guys growing up in a tough town. Maybe they just thought they were better curators of music. They didn’t like the way Sinéad looked in that video or how she presented herself; they mocked you for liking the song, for liking her. Maybe, too, they just wanted you to fucking break up with your girlfriend. 

None of that changed the fact that, somehow, Sinéad was your voice. She was channeling something in you that felt like a slow and burning death, an unbridled and poetic life. Maybe she was saying to you: This is where you need help. Also, this is where you live and thrive.

Maybe you just kept this to yourself.

~~

Maybe decades later, you’ve gotten back in touch with that old lover. There comes a time when you reach a certain age, and you start understanding everyone’s story. How they look as they age. Who they married and divorced. What their kids are like. And even as this makes sense, it’s also surprising and a little heartbreaking.

And how did you turn out? Maybe you have lived and loved and made mistakes and hurt over and over and over again. Had your own family, your own victories. Maybe you’ve lost loved ones, and while all the flowers they planted have died, you were entrusted with their full stories: a last gift to the living.

And maybe there’s that moment when you – still here – are looking at photos of Sinéad – now gone – in tributes and obits, and you see the ones where they compare and contrast young Sinéad with older Sinéad. You see her full story, this person you didn’t even know, who gave your confusion and desperation and maybe even love a generous embrace of meaning.

Sinéad sings two “babies” in this song. One “baby” is tender and loving and tearful; the other is forthright and frustrated and most of all desperate — everything you felt then and still know now.